bodldops | (no subject)

Well, I’ve pretty much mucked up my life. Too damn stupid and too scared to be a vet, too self-contained and snobbish to be friends, to lazy to be fit… why doesn’t someone just stamp ‘loser’ onto my forehead and be done with it? I need a change. But I’m too lazy to affect one. So I’ll just sit here and be a bum, with no prospects, no hope. Grand. It’s not like Prince Charming’s coming to save me either. One has to actually be cute and lovable for that. I wish… dratit. Wish I was someone else. Someone… who fit in somewhere. That people were glad to see. Great, now I’m depressing myself. Truth hurts, huh? They keep calling me a genius, and all that does is remind me what an idiot I am. I wish they’d stop. It’s not nice to make fun of the dimwit. I’ve never really fit in anywhere. When I was in grade school, I spent recess exploring the wooded area back behind the playground… and no one missed me. In homeschool I was older than most of my fellow students, and in 4-H I was the competitive brat from a different city. The adults liked me… yay me, huh? In college, I was the bookworm. You’d think I’d find one person who was also a bookworm in the whole entire college. That’s the problem with being a bookworm – it’s hard to find others if your nose is in a book all day. At work, I’m the quiet one… Gah. Same freaking pattern the entire way through. I’m doomed to end my life as the spinster cat woman who goes to the library every day with her grocery bags, covered in cat fur. I’m lonely. I live at home, surrounded by people, and I’m lonely. I just can’t seem to get anything right. My own cat doesn’t love me… she doesn’t even appreciate me feeding her. I’m just another dumb human.
No, I’m not suicidal. That just strikes me as monumentally stupid. A very permanent solution to what everyone would tell me is a temporary problem.
Ya know what gets me? I know girls who would drive a Vulcan insane. They embody everything people hate about women – sneaky, manipulative, whiney, brats… and they have husbands. Somebody loved them enough to propose. What is wrong with me then? Am I so much more horrible than they are that no one has even looked at me? You know Paul’s lecture on how being single and chaste is so much better spiritually than being married? I don’t have to worry about that, because it’s not looking likely that anyone’s going to bother.
I really shouldn’t post this. Tomorrow my better sense will catch up with me and I’ll take it down. Tonight, I’ll just continue being an idiot.