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I seem to be on a mission to depress myself today. Not that it's too hard. So I'm gonna put everything I've been brooding over on here and attempt to forget about it, since only one of things I can fix, and that's going to take a while. No easy fixes here, no sir.
Brood-topic the first:
I've never been kissed. Never had a boyfriend, never been on a date... the whole deeper relationship thing has never happened. Now, I have guy friends. Not as many as I have girl friends, but that's mostly because I work in a field that is currently dominated by women. Still... am I really that ugly? Or is it something else... am I too brash, too outspoken, too shy, too tom-boyish... I wish someone would tell me. Shoot, my little sis has already gone through two guys, and she's five years younger than me. Of course, she's cute as a buggy's ear, and the two guys have been a pair of absolute losers. One was borderline stalker... but, at least they _looked_ at her. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of _anyone_ looking at my kid sis that way, but... humph.
There's this picture that my Grandma had painted over in Saudi Arabia from a picture my mom sent her. I keep it in my closet. Why don't I hang it, you ask? Well... I have a birthmark. It's not that obvious now (or it could be, I don't know, I don't really notice it anymore), but it was blatantly obvious when I was a kid. The painter obviously didn't like that version of me, and took the birthmark out. I'm a pretty cute kid in that piccy. Too bad it isn't me. Sometimes I wonder, if I had been that kid in the piccy, if I wouldn't be in this situation now.
*groans* Heavens, but I'm shallow. But then, I don't mind it so much... but I wonder if it's what's keeping guys at bay. I don't know, and since I don't, I can't fix it.
Brood-topic the second:
I feel so fat. Just... heavy, unweildy, awkward... six months ago I was doing great, and then... I don't know what happened. Not enough running over Christmas, a bit too much celebration... something. I am working on it, but I'm impatient. I want to be back where I was _now_. I went running today, and felt the entire time like I was swathed in a thick blanket... I'm gonna beat this one though. I know the principles, I know what works for me, and I'm gonna beat it.
Brood-topic the first:
I've never been kissed. Never had a boyfriend, never been on a date... the whole deeper relationship thing has never happened. Now, I have guy friends. Not as many as I have girl friends, but that's mostly because I work in a field that is currently dominated by women. Still... am I really that ugly? Or is it something else... am I too brash, too outspoken, too shy, too tom-boyish... I wish someone would tell me. Shoot, my little sis has already gone through two guys, and she's five years younger than me. Of course, she's cute as a buggy's ear, and the two guys have been a pair of absolute losers. One was borderline stalker... but, at least they _looked_ at her. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the idea of _anyone_ looking at my kid sis that way, but... humph.
There's this picture that my Grandma had painted over in Saudi Arabia from a picture my mom sent her. I keep it in my closet. Why don't I hang it, you ask? Well... I have a birthmark. It's not that obvious now (or it could be, I don't know, I don't really notice it anymore), but it was blatantly obvious when I was a kid. The painter obviously didn't like that version of me, and took the birthmark out. I'm a pretty cute kid in that piccy. Too bad it isn't me. Sometimes I wonder, if I had been that kid in the piccy, if I wouldn't be in this situation now.
*groans* Heavens, but I'm shallow. But then, I don't mind it so much... but I wonder if it's what's keeping guys at bay. I don't know, and since I don't, I can't fix it.
Brood-topic the second:
I feel so fat. Just... heavy, unweildy, awkward... six months ago I was doing great, and then... I don't know what happened. Not enough running over Christmas, a bit too much celebration... something. I am working on it, but I'm impatient. I want to be back where I was _now_. I went running today, and felt the entire time like I was swathed in a thick blanket... I'm gonna beat this one though. I know the principles, I know what works for me, and I'm gonna beat it.
