Oh dear Eru...

[bodldops]

I got spammed.
It's so utterly ridiculous, I must MST it. Because it is mock-worthy.


Good day and compliment,
Insert random compliment here? Hmmm... I like... Your wit is snarky
A CRY FOR HELP,
Help!
I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish Of God for you to help me and my family, God almighty will bless and Reward you abundantly.
If it isn't, he will throw you in a pit of snakes. Roll them dice!
My family and I are true Christians
not false Christians
and worship's God truthfully.
'Cause no one ever lies about being a Christian.
I got Your contact through Internet
Who is this dude 'Internet'? I don't believe we've met. HACKER!
during my research on some one who could Help
in the capitalized sense
us. I am a female student Of University of Nigeria, Lagos.
Great. I'm an alumni of UCD. No, I'm not giving money to your alumni association, go'way.
I am 22 yrs old.
What's a yrs?
My fathers
All of them?
died earlier two months ago and left my Mother I and my brother behind.
Drat that cyanide mix, it was supposed to kill us all!
He Was a king,
Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king.
which our town
Hold the turnip truck. Town? You can't be king of a TOWN!
citizens titled him before
the guerilla soldiers cut their heads off at his command...
his death
I like my version better.
I was a Princess to him
To me, you're a sue-thor
and I and my brother
My brother and I. Don't they teach you these things in princess school?
are
nuts
the only people who
Believe our delusions. Mom got medication.
Can
Random capitalization!
take Care
Take Care where?
of his wealth now because my mother is not
Tolerating our deluded ramblings any more.
Capable
More random caps
enough To know all my fathers wealth behind.
If she had two kids, I'm sure she's quite aware of the wealth of your father's behind.
He left up to USD (27.350,000.00)
*unenthusiastic cheer* Oh look, twenty-seven bucks plus random change. Yippee, I'm rich.
Twenty seven million three hundred and fifty thousand dollars,
No, see you put that period after the twenty-seven, changing the value... guess they didn't teach you math in princess school either.
with a security Company,
Evidently the only one in Nigeria, being capitalized.
and I dont know how and what I will do
And e-mailing random people seemed like a good idea?
to invest this money Somewhere
Soooomewhere out there... beneath the pale moonlight...
in abroad,
Yes, bury it. Good idea.
so that my fathers kindred
Will die poor, penniless beggars! Die, you wretches!
will not take over what Belongs to my father and our family,
Ah, I was close. And dear? Your kindred are your family.
which they were planning to do
But now I will make them starve! Mwhahaha!
Without my present
No prezzies?
because I am a female
Took you a while to figure out that one?
as stated by our culture in the Town.
Town, the only orginized colony in Nigeria. Also, she needed a town decree to figure out she was female? Ouch.
That is why I felt happy when I saw your contact
Moooom! She's touching me!
which I strongly believe that by the grace of God, you will help me secure And invest this money.
Erm... you don't have it? I'm not going to Nigeria. I think you're looking for Indiana Jones.
I thereby need your help in bringing the box
A box. Right.
Containing the money
Whatever happened to wiring it to a Cayman account?
out from the security company,
No longer the only one in Nigeria, having split into two companies to avoid the monopoly laws.
based on your reply
Cookie.
I Will
I thought you were a girl. A girl named Will? Different. Princess Will.
furnish you
Great! I want a leather couch...
with more details on how we can proceed. I am ready to pay 10% of the total amount to you
Ten percent of twenty-seven bucks being... not even three bucks. I can't even get a good bowl of ice cream for that.
if you help us in Securing
What is this game, Securing?
this money and another 10% interest of Annual Income to you,
Okay, so we add another two cents... nope.
for investing this money for us, which you will strongly have absolute Control Over.
If I have absolute control... what's stopping me from taking the whole twenty-seven bucks and buying myself a good meal? I'm investing in my future growth.
If you can handle this project sincerely
I'll be very sincere about taking your money, yup!
and also willing to assist me In lifting this fund,
Lifting it into my pocket, yes.
kindly reach me
Will, stop touching strangers.
and I will let you know the next Step
*Doom-ish music* It's... the Step!
to take towards actualizing
Ooooh, nice use of a noun-into-a-verb transition fake-o word
this transaction as quickly as Possible.
I don't know if I can move as quick as Possible. I've heard Possible is pretty slick.
Please,
Thank you.
note that this transaction is 100% risk free.
I might get a back strain from lifting the twenty-seven bucks into my wallet!
I look forward hearing from you soonest.
Rather than laterest
Yours sincerely,
Princess
Will
and family
Except mom


Oy. They just get dumber.
EDIT:
I forgot to mention. I'm Catwoman. And I work with Superwoman, Wolverine, and Batgirl. Some days, I love my job, oh yes I do.

Comments

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

Oi indeed. At first I thought she? was trying to convert you and then she wants to give you money. But not alot.

What I don't get is if they're good christians then how come they let the "fathers" becalled King. Isn't that a bit blasphermous?

[artemis85.livejournal.com]

Those money scams. The one that I got was trying to convince me that some person died in Iraq that had a lot of money, and they wanted to pay me to claim the money for them as a distant relative or some other crap. They always want money in advance, of course, which is how the scam works...

Didn't we decide that I was Phoenix? Hee.

[kippurbird.livejournal.com]

I wanna be Phoenix.

[artemis85.livejournal.com]

Phoenix ish me, 'Ro said so. XD You'll have to ask her if you want a nickname, too.

[bodldops.livejournal.com]

*nods* Artemis is Phoenix, 'cause she reads my mind. Tis scary.

[undeadgoat.livejournal.com]

Actualize is actually an annoying adjective-to-verb non-word.