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cupenny) gave a challenge here, to write one of our pups telling the story of 'Cinderella'. Thus, I have done so with Ace. This might have been a mistake.
Time period: Ace is fifteen, and has yet to leave Perivale.
A'right, a'right, keep your shirt on, told you I'd tell a story di'n't I? Right.
No really mate, keep y'shirt on, don't want t'get gassed out, now do I? Oi, s'not my fault y'don't use deoderant. No wonder y'keep gettin' run in, coppers can smell you a mile away. Ack, Tommy, keep'm off!
Oh stop y'snivellin', y've only a bloody nose. Serves y'right, y'toerag. Now, y'gonna be quiet? Right then.
Once upon a time... I don't know, that's how they all start, once upon a time an' a long ways away, yeah? 'Cause nothin' interestin' like that ever happens in Perivale, that's why. Now do us a favor an' shut it. Where was I?
Once upon a time, there was this family, see? Mum, da, little girl livin' all posh an' proper in a fancy house, with servants an' all. An' they had proper food t'eat an' the girl, she had tutors instead of havin' t'go t'school. An' everything was sunshine an' roses, 'cause that's how it goes when y'rich.
But then the mum died.
I dunno how... she just did. Boom, dead, pushin' up the daisies, bought the farm, six feet under yeah? S'not important.
It is not, she's just dead, a'right? Gordon Bennett, who's tellin' this story anyway?
Anyway. Mum's dead, boo hoo hoo, but da's gettin' a bit lonesome like, see? That an' he couldn't find his arse if he used both hands, an' now he's got this fancy house t'run with all the servants an' horses an' tutors an' whatnot, an' it's expensive t'hire a housekeeper. So he marries some old bint with two girls of her own, doesn't he? Figures she's got experience both in runnin' the house an' in warmin' a bed, like, so he's got a good ride.
Then the da dies.
No it's not imp... fine, he goes out on his horse an' it steps on a land mine, a'right? Boom! An' bits of da everywhere, y'happy now? Brilliant.
I dunno how the land mine got there... must be a war on, mustn't there? S'the French, a'right? They're at war with the French.
Right.
So there's the little girl right, stuck with this stuck-up bint of a stepmum, an' her two kids, lordin' it over her 'cause she ain't got no mum or da. Now she's none too bright, s'what all that inbreedin' does t'you, makes y'daft an' sickly. So instead of runnin' away an' findin' somewhere else t'be, she starts tryin' t'get in their good graces like, bowin' an' scrapin' an' 'Oh can I clean y'room now miss' an' 'Oh, I'll be makin' dinner now ma'am' an' all that rot. Can't stand up f'herself, see? Doesn't know what t'do wi' herself now that she's lower than the servants, never had t'defend herself. So she slaves away like a good little whippin' girl, an' the stepmum an' her two kids, they live the good life, with all the fancy clothes an' the good food an' the balls an' such.
Well, the prince, y'see, he was an ugly bastard, an' he couldn't find a wife, 'cause all the snobby princesses, they couldn't bear the thought of snoggin' him. Inbredin' again, y'see. Had no chin, an' a hunchback. But he was rich, an' the king, he thinks that there must be some poor non-royal person that'd just murder for a chance t'be married t'a prince, no matter what he looks like. So he holds this ball, yeah? Invites all the girls t'come, an' tells his son he's got t'pick one by the end of the night. Well, the prince isn't too keen t'marry, what with the chambermaid bein' happy t'give him a romp f'a few quid every night. Doesn't want t'be tied t'some cold hussy, but he doesn't see any way out, see?
Anyway, the stepmum an' her daughters, they go t'the ball of course, 'cause they want t'be royalty. The girl, she'd like t'go too, she's all grown up by now an' pretty, not that you can tell under the muck, but anyway, she's been livin' in the fireplace the last few years 'cause they took away her room, an' she didn't protest. Yeah, I said she was spineless, dinnit I? Anyway, she goes runnin' out of the house, cryin' an' wailin' an' generally bein' useless, an' she ends up in the bad side of town. Well, turns out there's lights on in this one house, an' the girl, she's curious, 'cause everyone's upposed t'be up away at ball gettin' all set for the prince's appearance. So she climbs up on the trellis... S'a the thing plants grow on.
'Cause I looked it up once, a'right?
Anyway, up she climbs, an' what does she see but the prince an' the chambermaid havin' a quicky upstairs? So she shows some sense f'once an' instead of shriekin' or just runnin' away again, she sneaks in an'... they left the front door unlocked, 'seein' as everyone's supposed t'be at the ball, yeah? Anyway, she sneaks in an' goes through their things while they're busy bangin' away, an' she finds a love note he sent the maid an' was daft enough t'sign.
Whut?
Fairy godmother?
Are y'daft? There's no such thing as fairy godmothers.
So the girl, she takes this letter, an' she finally realizes what she's got, yeah? She goes to the palace, an' writes the king a note, sayin' what she's got, an' where he can' find his son now, just t'prove that she's tellin' the truth. Then she says that if he leaves a certain amount of gold out somewhere she knows of, the note won't go to the press, yeah? Well, the king knows he won't ever get his son married off if all those girls at the ball knew that the prince has been bangin' the maid, so he sends the money fast enough. Then the girl moves somewhere interestin' like Paris an' takes up workin' as one of those nanny people, au pair. 'Cause they're at war with France, dummy, an' the king can't get her there, see?
Well you tell the next story if y'didn't like it!
...
*facepalms*
cupenny) gave a challenge here, to write one of our pups telling the story of 'Cinderella'. Thus, I have done so with Ace. This might have been a mistake.Time period: Ace is fifteen, and has yet to leave Perivale.
A'right, a'right, keep your shirt on, told you I'd tell a story di'n't I? Right.
No really mate, keep y'shirt on, don't want t'get gassed out, now do I? Oi, s'not my fault y'don't use deoderant. No wonder y'keep gettin' run in, coppers can smell you a mile away. Ack, Tommy, keep'm off!
Oh stop y'snivellin', y've only a bloody nose. Serves y'right, y'toerag. Now, y'gonna be quiet? Right then.
Once upon a time... I don't know, that's how they all start, once upon a time an' a long ways away, yeah? 'Cause nothin' interestin' like that ever happens in Perivale, that's why. Now do us a favor an' shut it. Where was I?
Once upon a time, there was this family, see? Mum, da, little girl livin' all posh an' proper in a fancy house, with servants an' all. An' they had proper food t'eat an' the girl, she had tutors instead of havin' t'go t'school. An' everything was sunshine an' roses, 'cause that's how it goes when y'rich.
But then the mum died.
I dunno how... she just did. Boom, dead, pushin' up the daisies, bought the farm, six feet under yeah? S'not important.
It is not, she's just dead, a'right? Gordon Bennett, who's tellin' this story anyway?
Anyway. Mum's dead, boo hoo hoo, but da's gettin' a bit lonesome like, see? That an' he couldn't find his arse if he used both hands, an' now he's got this fancy house t'run with all the servants an' horses an' tutors an' whatnot, an' it's expensive t'hire a housekeeper. So he marries some old bint with two girls of her own, doesn't he? Figures she's got experience both in runnin' the house an' in warmin' a bed, like, so he's got a good ride.
Then the da dies.
No it's not imp... fine, he goes out on his horse an' it steps on a land mine, a'right? Boom! An' bits of da everywhere, y'happy now? Brilliant.
I dunno how the land mine got there... must be a war on, mustn't there? S'the French, a'right? They're at war with the French.
Right.
So there's the little girl right, stuck with this stuck-up bint of a stepmum, an' her two kids, lordin' it over her 'cause she ain't got no mum or da. Now she's none too bright, s'what all that inbreedin' does t'you, makes y'daft an' sickly. So instead of runnin' away an' findin' somewhere else t'be, she starts tryin' t'get in their good graces like, bowin' an' scrapin' an' 'Oh can I clean y'room now miss' an' 'Oh, I'll be makin' dinner now ma'am' an' all that rot. Can't stand up f'herself, see? Doesn't know what t'do wi' herself now that she's lower than the servants, never had t'defend herself. So she slaves away like a good little whippin' girl, an' the stepmum an' her two kids, they live the good life, with all the fancy clothes an' the good food an' the balls an' such.
Well, the prince, y'see, he was an ugly bastard, an' he couldn't find a wife, 'cause all the snobby princesses, they couldn't bear the thought of snoggin' him. Inbredin' again, y'see. Had no chin, an' a hunchback. But he was rich, an' the king, he thinks that there must be some poor non-royal person that'd just murder for a chance t'be married t'a prince, no matter what he looks like. So he holds this ball, yeah? Invites all the girls t'come, an' tells his son he's got t'pick one by the end of the night. Well, the prince isn't too keen t'marry, what with the chambermaid bein' happy t'give him a romp f'a few quid every night. Doesn't want t'be tied t'some cold hussy, but he doesn't see any way out, see?
Anyway, the stepmum an' her daughters, they go t'the ball of course, 'cause they want t'be royalty. The girl, she'd like t'go too, she's all grown up by now an' pretty, not that you can tell under the muck, but anyway, she's been livin' in the fireplace the last few years 'cause they took away her room, an' she didn't protest. Yeah, I said she was spineless, dinnit I? Anyway, she goes runnin' out of the house, cryin' an' wailin' an' generally bein' useless, an' she ends up in the bad side of town. Well, turns out there's lights on in this one house, an' the girl, she's curious, 'cause everyone's upposed t'be up away at ball gettin' all set for the prince's appearance. So she climbs up on the trellis... S'a the thing plants grow on.
'Cause I looked it up once, a'right?
Anyway, up she climbs, an' what does she see but the prince an' the chambermaid havin' a quicky upstairs? So she shows some sense f'once an' instead of shriekin' or just runnin' away again, she sneaks in an'... they left the front door unlocked, 'seein' as everyone's supposed t'be at the ball, yeah? Anyway, she sneaks in an' goes through their things while they're busy bangin' away, an' she finds a love note he sent the maid an' was daft enough t'sign.
Whut?
Fairy godmother?
Are y'daft? There's no such thing as fairy godmothers.
So the girl, she takes this letter, an' she finally realizes what she's got, yeah? She goes to the palace, an' writes the king a note, sayin' what she's got, an' where he can' find his son now, just t'prove that she's tellin' the truth. Then she says that if he leaves a certain amount of gold out somewhere she knows of, the note won't go to the press, yeah? Well, the king knows he won't ever get his son married off if all those girls at the ball knew that the prince has been bangin' the maid, so he sends the money fast enough. Then the girl moves somewhere interestin' like Paris an' takes up workin' as one of those nanny people, au pair. 'Cause they're at war with France, dummy, an' the king can't get her there, see?
Well you tell the next story if y'didn't like it!
...
*facepalms*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-05 01:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-05 01:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-05 04:12 am (UTC)can i please second the cackling?
so, so much.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-05 04:25 am (UTC)Ah, Ace.
(no subject)
Date: 2006-08-05 02:45 pm (UTC)No it's not imp... fine, he goes out on his horse an' it steps on a land mine, a'right? Boom! An' bits of da everywhere, y'happy now? Brilliant.
*cackles at the whole story, but this in particular*